The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships by Susan Piver

Author:Susan Piver [Piver, Susan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781732277618
Publisher: Lionheart Press
Published: 2018-06-05T07:00:00+00:00

1. Right or wrong

When this is your attention style, focus automatically goes to what is being done, said, or experienced correctly or incorrectly. This person has what in Buddhist thought is called “comparing mind,” meaning he or she possesses an internal sense of right and wrong and is constantly weighing what he or she does, says, or experiences against it. When there is congruence, they can relax. When there is not, a disturbance in the field is created. This is the sort of person who, when they like you, tells you what you are doing wrong. Because who would not love that?!

The other day, I received an email from a member of my online community, the Open Heart Project, that began with how much she had benefited from my meditation instruction. It was so heartfelt. How lovely! She went on to say that if I wanted to make it even better, I could make a few improvements and she went on to enumerate what she found to be subpar in my life’s work. When you receive such a message from a stranger, it could piss you off. And it did! A little. But I could also feel that her intention was somehow meant to express gratitude, which, for her, was telling me what bothered her about my work so I could fix it. Yes, for some people, this is seen as a gift. Whether it was or was not, I chose to respond to it in that way and thanked her.

This, by the way, is Duncan’s primary style of attention. (It is also my mother’s, so I know this style quite well.) To know this about him has been extremely useful in our relationship, especially when it comes to the fights we have. When we are about to have an argument, I try to identify something I have done that he considers “wrong” and immediately confess to it. I don’t lie or take responsibility for something I have not done, but when I am able to acknowledge the right and wrong in whatever is upsetting him, he lowers his guard and we can have a real conversation. If I am unable to do that, he will keep pressing the same point over and over.

When this kind of person speaks to you about something difficult, it may sound like a lecture because they want you to understand the underlying morality of their perspective. When you speak to them, it is useful to indicate some awareness of this moral component.

The difficult news about this style of attention is that it is very black and white.

The great news is that you can trust this person because they are vehemently opposed to wrongdoing. They will stand up for what they believe and will not back down. What does our world need right now more than people whose integrity is beyond dispute? This style models that for the rest of us.

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